TUESDAY MORNING HAPPINESS
I have chosen to take my blog to a new realm. I have thought a lot about the impact that cancer has had in my life and most likely the impact it will have in many of your lives through friends and family being diagnosed. I have been able to encourage people who felt they were not encouragable, due to my having gone through the same dark period that they are facing. I have also been allowed to find a new part of me, a part of me that has hope and joy and new expectations and dreams for life. I have retitled my blog to Tuesday Morning Happiness to encompass this change in me.
I enjoy Tuesday mornings. I am not too fond of Mondays, yet Tuesdays just seem to have the right fit to slide into life. I have to tell you some things before you will get what my reformed blog is really about. I had nuclear radiation for thyroid cancer the week before Christmas. I had a lot going on during that time of my life with Christmas coming up and Robert just having his tonsils out. The morning of my body scan (to see if the cancer responded to the radiation and died), Robert didn’t feel like going with me. Lydia did though. I laid on that cold slab and rolled into the machine with tears in my eyes and fear in my heart. I cannot tell you what I honestly feared at that point. Maybe just the idea of the machine feeling like a coffin. Yet, the most beautiful man – the radiologist - sat beside me and held my arm during the forty minute scan. We talked about his children and mine and we spoke of Christmas and the meaning of life. He took my scariest moment and made it into a moment of compassion and sentiment. He did what I hope to do in my life – he gave his heart to me.
When I went to my doctor for the post-cancer visit, I looked at her and started sobbing. I told her that I thought when I found out I no longer had cancer, that my happiness would return and that my fear would leave. She spent the next forty minutes with me, taking time to ease my fears – explaining what we will do for the next four years to make sure the cancer is in remission (or doesn’t return – however we want to term it). She listened to me, reassured me and told me that now we have to work on all of my hormone problems to truly make me healthy. With all of this – she demonstrated a level of bedside manner few doctors have. She made me feel as if I was her friend and no other patient was in her office. She too gave me her heart and her dedication to my care.
I changed primary care physicians due to my aftercare following my thyroidectomy last year and I met with my new primary care physician directly after getting my all clear about the cancer. Again – I was shown gentleness and respect. All three medical professionals had my best interest and my health in the forefront of their minds and they treated me with such kindness.
Now, having walked away from ten months of medical appointments, special diets, blood tests, scans, biopsies and fear I have taken a stand. This is the reason for Tuesday Morning Happiness – it is a breath of fresh air into a tired life; it is the beginning of my being someone from the blue zone and trying to create an environment of encouragement and vitality around me.
You might ask, what is the blue zone? Check out Dan Buettner’s book – ‘The Blue Zone’, it is relatively cheap on amazon. He and AARP, as well as United Health teamed up to do the Human Vitality Project. To read more check out this link:
http://www.bluezones.com/vitality-project
The entire premise is that small changes in our lives can add longevity to our lives. Having gone through cancer, I can assure you that I would like to live longer. Being over three hundred pounds (thank you malfunctioning thyroid) I need to change my life and reach for health as my prize. Here is the clencher - I don’t want to do it alone and that is one of the inspiring things about the Blue Zone people – the relationships they create aid them to live longer. Tuesday Morning Happiness is not solely about weight loss. It is about being free to try to do new things to add joy and happiness to your life. It is about sharing with one another (hopefully you will add through posts what you are doing to impact your life in a healthy ways). Tuesday Morning Happiness is about friends encouraging friends to be more tomorrow than they were today.
So what is my next step? I need ideas of small ways that you are trying to impact your health and your wellbeing. I also will post things that I am doing on a regular basis. One of the largest things I am doing now is taking calcium and Vitamin D every morning. This is because my parathyroid glands were damaged during my thyroidectomy and my body does not retain enough calcium. I am such a horrible person with meds. But, I take my calcium, vitamin D and synthroid without fail. My life is dependent upon it. It seems simple, but I have never taken the medications the way the doctor has told me – so this is HUGE.
Let me know what you think. I am excited about the positive changes that will occurring this year and I am excited about making new connections with you.
The passing….
We must stop and think about life. We must stop and THINK about life. We must stop and honor life. Celebrate. Forgive. We must stop and enjoy life. Laugh. Smile. We must stop and hug life. In memory of Oscar my friend whom passed away in a place that gave him peace….in memory of our Anthony – whom was the student who taught me the most. You both added to my life. In memory of Pancho – you know why you hold a place in memory. And in honor of Tio Chato – sometimes families don’t understand the need to forgive. Sometimes – many times we forget how precious life is. Four lives touched mine – all passed away in the last two weeks. Sometimes God gives us perspective through loss. Touch your heart and hold it tight.
I will be BY YOUR SIDE….whenever you fall
There are times in our life that we fall; unexpectedly – unabashedly – we plummet to the earth and hit some unforseen bottom that we never knew existed. It is then – when we fall , that we see who is by our side. And then there are times when we plummet and we look around hurriedly to see who is beside us and strangers stare and walk by without a care – nor a glance toward our humility.
Last week I found myself far from where I had begun. With a heavy heart and empty cup I sat and looked upon my life and what it held for me in the past year and what it did not hold for me in the future. I do not believe being contemplative is a bad thing, it adds clarity to my mind and allows me to begin to rationally deal with emotions that I beat down with a smile all day long – in order to please all those around me.
I feel as though my year should be only in March of April, but here it is December and my life moves on as a train chugs up a mountain. I slept through my summer. I was so ill. I was so brave. I wonder if you could have been brave too? I have thought many times since the beginning of this arduous path that man in general does not know how to comfort another. Man does not understand how to comfort without encouraging or adding platitudes that will never come true.
After Lazarus died, the Bible states that, ..”and Jesus’ eyes overflowed…” He wept. Even Jesus was allowed to cry, but I am often times encouraged to think of the positive and overcome the negative. What if, I will never be able to walk that path without first weeping? What if I just want you to cry with me?
Irony has many forms in my life. My password on my computer is Lazarus. When I put it on the computer, I told Robert that there is no further down that we can go – we can only rise from the ashes of what our life was.
I guess another part of me wants to over explain how I feel and why I feel the way I do. It is hard to have a parent fighting cancer when you are fighting cancer and when your family is struggling in so many other ways. We have our good days and we have our bad days and sometimes – we don’t even want to wake up to the day.
With all of that being said, I find myself asking what is my own purpose in life. What is my meaning to my friends that I have had for years and my friends that I have just met. What is my relationship with my family like and how can I make it better. What goals do I have, what dreams do I have? What feelings of joy have I allowed to die?
I was thrown off last month. I haven’t written or been myself because the day to see if the cancer died is coming up. I thought it would be in late January, not the week before Christmas. I have so many mixed emotions during the month of December. My grandmother ‘Mother’ died on December 7th, my Granny died on December 18th and my Grandpa died on December 20th. This month – during the same exact week both my dad and I see what our cancer has done. We are both hoping for a miracle and hoping for a cure. We are both scared of statistics and options. He has a harder path than I and that at times, makes me helpless.
So on December 18th, one day after my next dose of radiation I will have a body scan that will tell what lies ahead for me. Even though I am living, even though I am laughing – I do not feel like I am enjoying life. In my mind I think that I am waiting to see what this test holds for both of us to allow me to enjoy life again.
With bated breath we all walk through the motions of today and hope for tomorrow. It is much harder than you could ever imagine. I hope you never have to endure. Christmas is a poignant time. It is one of reflection and thanks given to God, one where we honor all He has done in our lives. It is a season meant for joy and happiness.
I am picking up the pieces of a broken ornament and fastly glueing them back together. It is the most beautiful ornament I have ever seen and you are about to come over to visit. I am hurrying, because I want to give my best to you – my most beautiful ornament. Then it falls and I begin singing, “I will be by your side wherever you fall, I will be by your side whenever you call…” and I realize HIS HANDS are HOLDING me.
Cancer has taught me that to talk is a gift; to sing is an absolute honor. I can now talk, but I do not sing. Cancer has taught me that some people are strong enough to hold me up and others have to come back around when I am already standing. Cancer has taught me that I can endure more than I ever thought I could. Cancer has taught me the value of life. The meaning of laughter. The joy of love. Cancer has spoken to my soul and left me with more than before it came. It does not win, God does.
TIME
Time heals all wounds. Time heals the aches and pains from a body gone wrong. It heals the hurts from misunderstood feelings and miscommunicated love. It heals the memories that you cannot forget and it instills the hope for memories of tomorrow. Time heals all wounds, all misery, all injustice and all judgements. Time is nothing without God. Healing is not possible without God. Brokeness and sadness flow down the river of discontent as God brings in his angels to guard over us. Silence is a tool to communicate pain. Who is silent in your life?
beneath the moons glow
blast me from the past of my thinking and capture me into the presence of your mind. i am here and there and everywhere. my thoughts mingle with the desire of life. singing in the rain with chocolate on my hands, fingering the silk of my blouse. humming the truth of love and wondering what i am doing wandering through to eightieth street and beyond. he is walking. i see him. so perverse in his nature, yet so alluring in sight. talking on the telephone acting like a pimped out ride in the thunder of life. purpose and mountains rise within my breath and fullness and eternity rest at each exhale. what do you think? hmm, who cares! You don’t even live here. Vulgarity of wind beneath your skirt. Dirt, ash, soot and gloom – all that was ever in your womb. so i walk on. i don’t look back. i see through you since we had our spat. my hair tosses to and fro and i sing – it is a mental blow. you thought i would cave, inside my heart. I knew all along, victory is an art.
Who am I?
Who am I?
But the daughter of the man
Who gave his all to be the best for me.
I am – the sister of the son who challenged them all
And ended up in a storm.
I can tell you who I am, but it is best if you know
That my image is broken
From months of sorrow.
I am
Trying to believe that time can heal the wound
Which permeates my soul and kills the blooms
Of love I have
Of joy given to me.
I am
Wondering
if I will ever be —
Happy again,
My image restored.
Allowed to sing
To the children I chose.
I am
Beginning again, walking the path
Of bitter winds and brazen sun.
Who am I?
But the daughter of the woman who gives
All she is to the man she married and the children she bore.
I am – the sister of the daughter who is fighting to believe
That the God of hope will give her eternity.
I am -
The wife of the man who sings like the lark.
Who has a joy that no man can tear apart.
I am the woman he loves,
The girl of his heart.
I am more than this page, greater than these words -
But
I have misplaced myself in the midst of cancer
And I scream out to you
To help me again -
Who am I?
But the woman who wants to be loved by you
Who wants to be touched from the heart of God.
I am the one who believes that time will allow me to overcome
And begin again -
To touch
To feel
To love
To know
Who am I.
runningfastthroughthefieldswithbarefeet
I don’t think that anyone can imagine that four months after finishing the radiation that I would still be on the path to recovery. I guess maybe I wouldn’t have imagined it. I don’t think I was being naive in thinking that things would sort themselves out quickly. Maybe, a bit.
Now it is time for my monthly trek to see my endocrinologist. She is the most wonderful woman in the world. She is humble, intelligent, compassionate and awe inspiring. She cares for her patients like they are her friends. I enjoy seeing her.
This months brings a continued onslaught of my hair falling out. I took my school pictures and a big old bald area shows up in the proof. I won’t be getting them. On my ID, I look normal. I guess the larger the image the more aware you are. When I look for that stupid bald spot, you don’t really see it. I cover it up with my abundance of hair.
I remember when I worked as an admission’s secretary at Martin Methodist College the music professor (Dr. Albert Hughes) once commented that I had a MOP of hair. Now, I did take offense. But here it is, sixteen years later and I am quite thankful for that MOP of hair. Without it, my falling hair would be more noticeable.
So what is my point? If I can remember that comment sixteen years later, then it hurt. If I can recall it with as much clarity as my wedding day, it really hurt. BUT, God took it and made it work for me. Who would have thought?
Let me share something else with you. I am tired of being overweight. I am so ready for my body to be normal hormonally so that I can attempt to lose weight. My legs are still so swollen that you can press them and your finger will go in at least an inch and the indentation will stay for about five minutes. I am still VERY hypothyroid.
Plus, you know that a lot of the hair that is growing back in front looks gray. My mom says that it most likely is blonde, but it looks gray. I will dye my hair, I am not joking. It will be the prettiest blonde / red you have ever seen.
I want to do normal things again. I want to be able to go shopping for more than an hour and be okay. I want to walk outside and enjoy the weather. I don’t want to be trapped by my lack of energy or my swollen legs any longer. Do you wonder how I can work? I work because I have to and because I feel better and more energized during the day. As the day wears on, my energy levels wears down too. I am trying, because I do believe faith without works is dead.
I want to be normal again, so I believe I am headed to normal. Maybe I just wanted to whine to you, who knows. I feel better now though. 
One hundred things that make me happy…
My family * grass being mowed * smelling lemons * getting letters in the mail * david blowing kisses at me * pinching my sisters * acting like I am my dad’s favorite * naming things I am thankful for * reading a good debbie macomber book * having an aha moment * watching adam and natalie play * the song she’s a brick house * rain * going to the beach when it is stormy * snow * taking a good walk in the woods * having the windows down when I am driving * balancing my checkbook to the penny * going somewhere with ONLY Robert * getting my to-do list accomplished * a clean house * fresh sheets * someone else doing the ironing * hearing my mom and dad’s voices * getting a good hug * giving to others * writing poetry * sitting outside when the birds are chirping * watching annabelle sit in the window talking to the birds and squirrels *
Change of tides….
Today my dad ended his radiation therapy. He completed his chemotherapy about two weeks ago. It is both a happy and a sad day. Happy because they feel that they have done what they can to stop the growth of the cancer and to eradicate as much as possible. Sad because I got comfort from knowing that we were being active in the fight against his cancer.
What happens now? Well, the doctor let him know that he will not be able to ever do radiation on the same area again. So, if the tumor decides to grow and prosper — too bad. In a month he will get a cat scan to see how things are doing. He did say that my dad was the most unusual case he has ever had. This is a very well known oncologist from MD Anderson. He said tha my dad should have lost about one hundred pounds through all of the chemo and radiation. He gained weight.
I think that the entire point is that prayer is not futile. I do believe that prayer has brought my dad through and has allowed my dad to have a level of hope that he would not have had otherwise. We enter the holiday season in the coming months with the realization that in April, when all of this began, we did not think there would be a holiday season.
God does give to us, even when we do not think he is hearing our prayers. Sometimes it takes us slowing down and just removing ourselves from the situation to see his work within the arena of life.
I am happy for my dad – happy that he can now regain some energy to go fishing and do things he likes. I am happy that I can count on him to be here for me when I need him. I am happy that I am loved by him. He is my hero.
BIGGEST LOSER
You know, I am like them. There is something in me that feels their pain and understands their struggles with weight loss. I don’t laugh at them or feel bad for them, but I understand them. I see their desire and their lack of ability. I feel the same way too. I feel like I have lost the ability to control my weight and I have lost my strength to make good choices for myself.
People always assume that overweight people sit around and eat all of the time. I do not. I actually went to the nutritionist recently and my problem is that I don’t eat all day long and then eat supper. By that time, my metabolism is starving for some food and gets revved up only to die down again soon thereafter.
I work my butt off during the day. I lift students, I have five kids at my house right now that I fool around with. I am active. Yet, I am one of the heaviest people I know. How would you feel knowing that you are the HEAVIEST person in your family? Heavier than your father – how would that feel?
It feels like crap. I am trapped in this mindless world of hypothyroidism and I can’t get out. I feel like the swelling won’t ever leave my body. I am tired after work and I just want to be me again. I don’t have to be any size 12. I looked great at a size 16. I will say this, I have lost two sizes since all of this has begun. I haven’t lost NOT ONE POUND, but two sizes. That tells me that my water weight is distributed differently.
How can you help me? How can you encourage me? I have no idea. Sometimes I feel like I am a lost cause and people will judge me forever.
